TEC: The Eastgate Chronicles Roadblock #1

So, I was incredibly excited to start working on the game.  I dutifully went to Oracle to download the Java SE Development Kit and got this:

Great.  Blocked before I'm even out of the (East)gate.  After some digging, this is what I've learned:

• I am not the owner of a 64-bit capable Intel-based computer.
• My OS is not supported by the latest JDK update.  Actually, it hasn't been supported by the last several updates.
• I am Rip Van Winkel and I've just woken up.  Are there hovercars, yet?

OK [deep breath].  I knew this wasn't going to be easy.  Take 2...